Just over a month.
It’s been just over a month since I’ve written on either blog. I’d even stopped checking the email account that lets me know when I have comments and such.
For over a month.
No, I haven’t been that busy. Winter break did lay squarely within that time, after all.
I’ve thought up posts about labels, and about struggle, and one or two other topics… but never thought about it too deeply or for too long.
When I noticed comments from other bloggers I used to regularly visit, I felt a bit guilty and a little remiss but still had no desire to write. I was more than content with my schoolwork and when I wasn’t, I’d happily delve into a book or even a video game! I ignored all previous plans I had for my blogs, future blogs and anything that reminded me of them.
It took me a while to figure out why.
You see, I write from personal experience. Insights gained from reading, learning. Observations made in the different, diverse, and often conflicting, realms of my life. And of course, direct experience — personal observations of my life and its happenings.
This process required thought and analysis — I had to examine what was going on around me, or what was happening in my life and really think about it.
And I just realized, I no longer wanted to do that.
It happened gradually, as a coping mechanism.
As I sent my daughter back to school against my better judgment, I didn’t want to think about it. I just wanted to finish the quarter with what I could salvage of my grades. When her diagnosis was changed from ADHD to bi-polar with ADHD, I didn’t agree in the least and after some questions, had serious misgivings about how that diagnosis was decided on but didn’t yet want to think very hard about it.
I gave myself a week of reading and games and sleep – which led to another – before I was ready to really look into the drugs recommended, ask questions, and seriously question the method(s) used to evaluate my daughter.
Now armed with information, thorough analysis, and back to my usual steely self, I refused the drugs and worked to form a treatment plan for the next few months while I investigated nutritional deficiencies and finding another (non-traditional) doctor to work with us — with my own money.
Meanwhile school has begun again, and I found the bottles used to store the chemicals I must measure out for my experiments a bit too heavy to lift with one hand (even though it wasn’t much heavier than a small coffee thermos). This meant my hand shook, making getting a few milliliters at a time very difficult. It was also painful to turn the knobs on the front of the hood to control the water, air etc. I was exhausted by the end of the lab because of the hours spent on my feet.
Being a chemistry minor I need to complete two labs, and I didn’t want to drop the course. I was willing to work harder, and I talked to the instructor and asked to come in early to measure everything I needed for my experiments.
The very next day, I took my daughter to an ENT appointment we made months ago. As a side concern, while there, my daughter complained she wasn’t hearing very well. The test results show moderate permanent hearing loss in both ears and my child will be fitted for hearing aids at the end of the month.
I find it difficult to believe and still maintain that she seems to hear fine most times but unlike psychological evaluations, a hearing test is not subjective and the results seem clear.
I took all this in from 8-12, fed my child, sent her off to the babysitters and ran to school like a good student. I managed to complete the lab, tired, in pain and demoralized, but in good time with reasonable results. Needless to say, nothing else got done that day, but I managed to finish and turn in two sets of homework (correctly I think!) that were due at 5pm the next day by working in between and umm, during, classes.
We celebrated my (knock on wood, perfectly healthy!) son’s 13th!!! birthday this weekend, and here I am, looking at comments asking where I’ve been and hopes that I’ll be back on this and my other blog.
I’m glad someone misses me popping up with silly comments, lots of questions and posts of my own. And I miss my fellow bloggers! And I should probably write about enzymes, iodine, vitamin C, the effects of labels, and the (unseen) purpose of struggle. Maybe it will be easier now that I’ve already told everyone what’s going on.
But right this moment, I don’t want to think. I want to pretend everything is ok, and that things are “normal”. When I do bully myself into focusing and hard thought, it’s reserved for p chem III, kinetics and my other chemistry or materials courses.
Now, off to delight my children with blueberry pancakes, omelets, grits and hash browns! They won’t care that it’s lunchtime.